I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I trip over putting on my underwear.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes ... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else ...
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed ... I need bail money.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss ... a cat wants to see your resumé.
Oops ... did I roll my eyes out loud?
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
WiFi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Some people call me crazy. I prefer ‘happy with a twist’.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.
Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.
If you're happy and you still know it, it's your meds.
Laughter is still the best Medicine!
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
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