Ons Huisgenotjies

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Maraai: "Gammat, wa kry jhy daai watch?"
Gammat: "Ek het hom in 'n race gewen."
Maraai: "Hoeveel mense het gehol?"
Gammat: "Was ekke, die owner en drie polisiemanne."

Wanneer weet jy 'n motorbestuurder in S.A. is smoordronk?

Hy ry reguit deur die slaggate.

Kariena kan eenvoudig nie die versoeking weerstaan om haar kuif te sny as sy 'n skêr in die hande kry nie. Na die soveelste keer wat sy haar kuif vol happe sny, is haar ma regtig baie vies. Terwyl Kariena se ma haar hare vasmaak sê sy: "Kyk hoe lyk jy?" Jy het alweer jou hare vol happe staan en sny." Kariena antwoord so ewe: "Is nie, Mamma, ek het gesit." 

Dankie, Valerie, vir die paaseierwenk!!

“Your Highness”

Koos is met vakansie in Londen en loop toevallig in die koningin se geselskap vas. Die koningin is in ’n goeie bui en besluit om ’n paar woorde te wissel met die vreemde Suid-Afrikaanse man. Deur die hele gesprek deur spreek Koos haar aan as “Queen”, tot sy dit later nie meer kan hou nie. Sy wys Koos daarop dat hy haar nie as “Queen” moet aanspreek nie, maar as “Your Highness”.

“My magtig!” sê Koos. “Wil jy nou meer, my neef se naam is ook Johannes.”

Name Warning

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.

"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"

"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."

"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

Sometimes you only need to be clever

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmmm ... that was some good lion meat!" The lion abruptly stops and says,"Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks. I better leave while I can."

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together." So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago ..."

Memo Differences

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Age?

Nurse: How old are you?

Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Heaven

A husband and wife had both died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.

Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"

The wife said, "Yes."

The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

Buffaloes

Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Income Opportunity

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

_____________________

Second Anniversary
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office.
He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.
I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. 

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
_____________________

Ons deel als

Die twee oues gaan sit in die restaurant en bestel 'n hamburger, en hulle
wil asseblief twee borde hê.

Die man wat by die tafel langs hulle sit leun oor, en vra of hulle probleme
het, hy sal hulle help as hulle nie genoeg geld het vir die tweede burger
nie.

"Nee wat nefie" seg die omie, "Ons twee is maar so: Ons deel als"

Toe die burger kom, sny die oom die burger middeltwee, sit een helfte op die
ander leë bord, tel die slaptjips mooi agt vir die een en agt vir die ander.

Op sy gemak begin die oom intussen te eet aan sy halwe burger en tjips. Die
tante sit maar so en kyk vir die oom.

Weer leun ons vriend oor en vra vir die tante of hy nie kan help met iets
nie.
"Nee dankie wat" seg sy. "Ons deel mos als, ek wag net vir die tande"

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE 

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’. 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -  fifty thousand dollars! 

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 

Sally said, "No." 

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile." 

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.   

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .." 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

_____________________

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
_____________________

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
______________________

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire. It hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
_____________________

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
_____________________

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
_____________________

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
_____________________

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.."
_____________________

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
_____________________

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
_____________________

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
_____________________

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
_____________________

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done, we take her back to the airport."

Klein Jannie en sy gesin eet Sondag middag by Ouma. Net toe almal aan tafel is, begin Ouma die kos opskep.

Toe Jannie sy bord kos ontvang, begin hy dadelik eet.
"Jannie, asseblief!!" sê sy ma. "Wag asseblief tot ons gebid het."
"Ek hoef nie," sê hy dadelik.
"Natuurlik moet jy!" antwoord sy ma. "Ons bid altyd voor ons by die huis eet."
"Ja, maar dit is by ons huis" verduidelik Jannie. "Maar hierdie is Ouma se huis, en sy weet hoe om te kook."

Daar's net 3 maniere om huistakies te verrig:

Soos 'n BEJAARDE: stadig.

Soos 'n VOLWASSENE: deeglik. 

Soos 'n TIENER: glad nie.

Waarhede of naarhede?

• Siekefondse is nes 'n hospitaaljurk : jy dink maar net jy's ten volle gedek.
• 'n Skinderstorie is nes 'n eier - as hy eers uitgebroei het, kry hy vlerkies.
• As 'n man rats spring om die motordeur vir 'n vrou oop te maak, kan jy maar weet dis of 'n nuwe vrou of 'n nuwe motor.

Die Belg hoor hy is verplaas na Suid-Afrika en is baie ontsteld daaroor, want hy het gehoor van al die moorde, diefstal en skakings. Toe hy agterkom die ou wat langs hom in die kroeg sit, is 'n Suid-Afrikaner, vra hy hom dadelik uit.

'Nee, man, ou pel,' sê die Suid-Afrikaner, 'Suid-Afrika is 'n lekker plek om te bly. Jy kan
gratis vir jou 'n huis enige plek gaan opslaan, jy hoef nie te kan lees en skryf om matriek te slaag nie, en as jy jou werk verloor sluit jy aan by die ANC en word 'n parlementslid.'

'En,' vra die Belg, 'wat voor werk doe je?' 

'O, ek?' sê die Suid-Afrikaner, 'Ek is die rear gunner op 'n broodafleweringswa.'

Dokter aan pasiënt wat baie slegte rokershoes het en ooglopende tekens van te veel drank toon: Hoeveel sigarette rook jy per dag?

Pasient: So 40, dokter. 

Dokter: Dink jy jy sal dit kan opstoot na 80 per dag?
Pasient (wat gemeen het hy gaan aangespreek word oor sy 40): Seker dokter, maar hoe dan so?

Dokter: Miskien val een van jou longe plat en dan is daar meer plek vir jou lewer!

Mike was net besig om aan die slaap te raak toe sy vrou hom wakker skud en sê die telefoon lui. 

As die telefoon so laat lui, sê sy, is dit sekerlik vir hom en nie vir haar nie en sy maak haar oë toe. 

Mike strompel uit die bed uit. Toe hy weer terugkom, is sy vrou al aan die slaap, maar sy word wakker. 'Dit was toe nie vir my nie', sê Mike. 

Sy vrou rol uit die bed uit en is al halfpad deur toe, toe Mike byvoeg: 'Dit was die verkeerde nommer.'

Vyf Duitsers in 'n Audi Quattro kom by die Italiaanse grens aan. 

Die Italiaanse grenswag stop hulle en sê aan hulle dat dit onwettig is om 5 mense in 'n Quattro te laai. 'Wat bedoel jy dat dit onwettig is?', vra die Duitse bestuurder. 

'Quattro beteken vier', antwoord die Italiaanse grenswag. 

Die Duitser is kwaad en verbaas en sê: 'Dit is net die naam van die kar. Jy kan op sy papiere kyk - dit is ontwerp om vyf mense te vervoer!' 

'Nee,' sê die Italianer, 'moenie my met daardie een probeer flous nie. Quattro beteken vier, jy het vyf mense in die kar, dus oortree jy die wet.' 

Die Duitser vra toe dat die grenswag sy bevelvoerder moet roep, sodat hy eerder met 'n senior persoon kan praat. 

'Jammer,' antwoord die grenswag, 'hy kan nie nou kom nie, hy is besig met die twee ouens in die Fiat Uno.'

Die Ma ry met die twee kleintjies (3 en 5) in die kar. Die kinders is onhebbelik en sy raas en raas, maar hulle wil nie luister nie, wat nog van stilsit. Sy vererg haarself en trek van die pad af, wiks die twee goed, sit hulle terug in die kar en sê: Nou wil ek nie weer 'n woord hoor nie. 

Na so paar minute sê die seuntjie: "Mamma ek wil iets sê" 

Sy sê: "Net vinnig, want jy is veronderstel om stil te bly" 

Sê hy: "Ek wil net vir Mamma sê, Jesus gaan hiervan hoor!"

Blondine
Blondine sit vir 4 ure en kyk na haar huweliksertifikaat.

Haar man vra wat sy doen en sy antwoord : "Ek soek na die vervaldatum!!

"Blonde e-pos
Die Brunet sien haar blonde buurvrou trippel elke vyf minute na haar posbus toe.
"Verwag jy 'n belangrike brief?" vra die Brunet.
"Nee," sê die Blondine, "maar my rekenaar hou aan sê ek het pos."

Vir die ou hoesie in die kerk
Op 'n plattelandse dorp, waar die inwoners hoofsaaklilk Afrikaans magtig is en gedurende 'n wintermaand toe verkoue erg in die omloop was, was die predikant baie omgekrap dat sy aandag gedurende eredienste onderbreek word deur gemeentelede se hoesbuie.
Hy bespreek toe die probleem om 'n oplossing te vind met sy koster wat Engelssprekend is ... seker die enigste in die dorp.
Die koster gaan koop toe 'n groot bottel hoesstroop by die apteek.
Die volgende Sondag as iemand hoes, staan die koster op en gaan gee vir die persoon 'n lepel hoesstroop in en sê vir hom iets in sy oor waarna die persoon opstaan en uitloop.
So hou dit aan en die kerk is later byna leeg.
Na die diens vra die dominee vir die koster wat hy dan vir die mense gesê het dat hy later vir 'n byna leë kerk moes preek.
Nee sê die koster, ek het net vir hulle gesê, "For cough".

Waarhede of naarhede?

* Hoekom het die iPhone volpunte in die eksamen gekry? Hy is ʼn slimfoon.

* Eendag, lank, lank gelede was daar ’n goeie skoonma.
Maar ook net één dag - en lank, lank gelede ...

Yslik onmoontlik
’n Man wat by die Noordpool ysbere jag, word deur ’n verwoede ysbeermannetjie is ’n ysspleet vasgekeer.
Omdat hy iewers langs die pad sy geweer se patrone verloor het, kan hy homself nie verdedig nie.
Doodbenoud bars hy in trane uit. Maar dis so koud dat die trane langs sy wange verys.
Gelukkig dink hy daaraan om een van die ystrane as ’n patroon te gebruik; hy laai toe sy geweer en skiet.
Ongelukkig smelt die ystraan binne-in die geweer en slegs ' n straaltjie water spuit by die loop uit.
Gelukkig is dit so koud dat die straaltjie toe onmiddellik weer verys en die spiesvormige stukkie ys sekuur in die rigting van die ysbeer voortsnel.
Ongelukkig smelt die ys toe dit die kop van die ysbeer binnedring ...

Gelukkig vrek die ysbeer toe van water op die brein.

Die kinders moes op skool ’n opstel skryf oor "die snaaksste ding wat ek nog ooit gesien het".
Die klas se dromer het die hele periode sy tyd sit en verspeel - toe die klok lui en hy sy boek moet inlewer, het hy nog nie 'n dooie woord geskryf nie.
Bitter haastig krap hy toe die volgende sin in sy boek: "Die snaaksste ding wat ek nog ooit gesien het, was te snaaks vir woorde!"

Die Kleutereiendomswet:

1. As ek daarvan hou, dan is dit myne.
2. As dit in my hand is, dan is dit myne.
3. As ek dit van jou kan vat, dan is dit myne.
4. As ek dit ’n rukkie gelede gehad het, dan is dit myne.
5. As dit myne is, dan moet dit nooit lyk of dit dalk aan jou behoort nie.
6. As ek iets doen of bou, dan is al die stukke myne.
7. As dit soos myne lyk, dan is dit myne.
8. As ek dit eerste gesien het, dan is dit myne.
9. As jy met iets gespeel het en jy sit dit neer, dan word dit outomaties myne.
10. As dit stukkend is, dan is dit joune.

Die Sondagskoolklas 

'n Onderwyseres is  besig om in die Sondagskoolklas die Tien Gebooie met die vyf- en sesjarige kinders te bespreek.

Nadat sy die gebod "eer jou Vader en jou Moeder" aan die kinders verduidelik het, vra sy: "Is daar 'n gebod wat ons leer hoe om teenoor ons boeties en sussies op te tree?"

Sonder huiwering antwoord 'n seuntjie (die oudste  uit 'n gesin):  "Jy mag nie moord pleeg nie!"

Bekommernis

'n Tannie van 95 in die aftree-oord ontvang besoek van 'n medelidmaat. Op die besoeker se vraag verduidelik sy dat sy so sleg slaap, want sy bekommer haar so baie.

"Waaroor bekommer Tannie dan so baie?  Tannie lyk dan so gesond?"

"Wel, al my goeie vriende en Bybelstudiegroeplede is al jare gelede dood en hemel toe, en ek is seker hulle wonder al lankal waarheen ek dan gegaan het."

 

Lesings...
Die spietkop trek die ou oom van 78 jaar af ongeveer 02h30 in die oggend. Die oom is goed geswaai! Spietkop: "My Oom, jy is smoordronk en dan bestuur jy die tyd van die oggend. Waarheen is Oom op pad?"

Oom: "Nee, ek is op pad na 'n lesing toe." 

Spietkop: "Lesing??? Strooi, Oom, waarheen is Oom op pad? 

Oom: "Ek is op pad na 'n lesing oor drankmisbruik, alkoholisme en dobbelary." 

Spietkop: "En wie sal nou die tyd van die oggend so 'n lesing aanbied?"

Oom: "My vrou, natuurlik!"